Stop Telling Women To Smile

Chronicle 4: Queen Elizabeth II

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When it comes to faces we see on a daily basis, this lady kind of trumps them all – apart from our own reflections of course.

If she’s not in your back-pocket making up the ‘head’ side of your loose change, you’re licking the reverse of her head to send post. We’re ever so familiar with Her Majesty, but we’re not ones to take such an iconic face for granted.

The only time I’m called royal is when I’m being a pain in the arse. Meaning I don’t have any first hand experience with Britain’s most prestigious family. However, when you’re reppin’ the country, handling corgi bills and have to put up with the recent moronic decisions politicians and your public have made – you’ve got to feel the pressure somewhat. Not to mention hearing your grandson has made the news – only fearing it’s for the wrong reasons. Sure Harry’s stint in Vegas was a couple of years ago now. But poor old Lizzie – she remembers it like it was yesterday.

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Let’s not forget, she’s a great-grandmother. You try accepting you’re the glue to the three generations of family beneath you. Of course it’s going to make you feel your years. And quite frankly, with all the forced smiles she’s had to pass on to the world over her reign – her face, more than anyone, deserves some down time. I can’t imagine how sore those cheeks of hers must be.

We salute your neutral expression Ma’am. And we’re well aware that whilst appearing royally peeved off, you’re probably just throwing back to the polo game in the summer of ’92. What a hoot one had. Or just wondering whether Jeffrey is going to put on a spread of quail’s eggs for breakfast tomorrow morning. It’s all relative.

On the contrary she’s got a lot to be smug about. She owns a palace, is the only person in the UK allowed to drive without a license and travel without a passport. Plus, she has a pet Jaguar she keeps at London Zoo. Casual. So when you next see our queenie looking as though little George and Charlotte have just scribbled all over her draft for this year’s Christmas speech, let’s just give her face the benefit of the doubt it so rightfully deserves.

 

Chronicle 3: Kristen Stewart

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For girls of twelve or thirteen, it’s the norm to begin experimenting with facial expressions and mirrors. However when you’ve just starred alongside Jodie Foster in a hit blockbuster, things are a bit different. Kristen Stewart spent those tender ages peeved at the world’s press. How are you meant to teenage the crap out of life when your most awkward years are being documented by the media?

Sure, her big break into the world of A-list was a few years off. But her success in prior roles meant that she was never too far from privacy invasion. And I can’t imagine anyone growing up with a camera in the face is going to be best pleased. So can you really blame Kristen Stewart for falling into CBF’s pissed off gaze?

Her bitter stare into paparazzi’s evil lens just stuck. Like a maths geek and algebra – it’s the things you learn in your pubescent years that are with you through life. Thus, the struggle to smile when your face is in autopilot has become an iconic trait of Kristen Stewart – contrary to what she may be thinking or feeling on the inside.

In a bitter twist of irony, the lass struck global stardom playing Bella – the love interest of a Vampire. Until she ended up becoming one herself. I don’t know many Vampires. But none of them scream cheery. And with Miss Stewart’s demonstration of Chronic Bitch Face, you can almost hear the casting directors shout JACKPOT. It must be part of the job description. And that’s totally cool. I mean they’ve got a lot on their blood-hungry plates. Anyone that has seen the saga will know that for Bella, it was life-changing. So let’s just cut her some slack shall we?

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Who are we to assume she’s pissed off? Because the first rule of Chronic Bitch Face? Don’t jump to conclusions. For all we know she might just be thinking how she actually quite partial to the taste of blood. She may be thrilled about her new casper complexion. Heck, she may even have been LOLLING on the inside at the very moment her and Edward first realised they kinda liked each other as their alter-ego mortal selves too.

R Patz was her boyf. He saw beyond the way the press portrayed her moody demeanour. Yet with a jaw more chiselled than a renaissance sculpture, even he couldn’t shift her facial enigma. But that’s Chronic Bitch Face for you. Sadly, there is no cure.

On the other side of things, let’s not pretend that her face was screaming bitch for no reason. Perhaps he was rubbish in the sack. Perhaps he spoke about blood too much. Or perhaps she was just sick of avoiding garlic. After all, who would put up with that kind of flavour deprivation?

Regardless, since their split she’s still nailing the bitch look. And I applaud her for it. There is no such thing as the smile police. Her face should be able to express whichever mood it likes. Despite whether it holds any truth. Because if we can accept Kristen’s neutrally engaged appearance, then who knows. There’s hope for vampires everywhere.

 

I’M A SELECTIVE SMILER…

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Smiling isn’t on any national curriculum. But apparently, it’s something some folk naturally do. (I know right, who knew?)

Alongside your birth certificate, you’re not given a smile guidebook. When you start school, you don’t have to sit an exam that analyses your ability to express a constantly upbeat expression. And when growing up, your parents didn’t take you to the doctor to explain their concerns for the disappearance of your smirk. You know why? Because there are no rules.

So let me ask you this: Why do complete and utter strangers deem it necessary to request a smile from my face when it’s in rest mode? Just because it made a decision early on in life for said expression to portray a sullen bitch, it’s not an invitation for people to demand positivity.

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In a society where gender equality imbalance is being fought globally, it should surprise me (but sadly doesn’t) that 97.4% of these comments are put to me by men. Remarks for me to cheer up or smile more are just tiresome. Why are they interfering with me when I’m in autopilot? Why does it matter if I’m smiling or not? Why do they think they deserve to see me sport a big fat grin?

Eleven times out of ten, the reason behind my moody demeanour is Chronic Bitch Face. But to all those that aren’t usually a victim to CBF’s glare, there’s going to be a reason behind their glum appearance. And I can guarantee you now, that reason is going to be none of your business. You jeering ‘Gis us a smile love’ is going to be the last thing they need. A bad day, fresh from an argument, a grievance or hearing disappointing news – there are so many factors that contribute to your expression. And when it’s not Chronic Bitch Face, smiling is going to be the last thing on their mind. So how about you butt the eff out alright?

I’m bored of people telling me that “it might never happen” if I don’t cheer up. I mean, what do you say to that? How are you meant to respond when such words are uttered in your direction? Over the years I’ve experimented with replies: Fake smirks. Rolled eyes. Verbal excuses. But now I come to think of it – do they even warrant acknowledgement for their rudeness? No. It’s my face and I’ve come to terms with the fact I look like a bitch when I gaze. You should too.

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Yes. I’d go as far as saying it’s a form of harassment. And Tatyana Fazlalizadeh thought the same, when four years ago she started the art series Stop Telling Women To Smile. She didn’t stop there. Because the issue of street harassment towards women lies much deeper than this. Posters of her work above can be seen around the world, with strong, simple and clear messages. It’s unwanted attention. Uninvited comments. An invasion of personal space. We’re going about our own business. If I needed a daily reminder to smile, I’d just set a reminder on my phone. (If there isn’t already an app for it, Apple, you heard it hear first.)

And riddle me this: Why do men not pick up on the miserable faces of other men? Guys get moody. Their faces show it. So surely they should be on the receiving end to one of your “be positive” jibes, no? Whether they’re fellow CBF sufferers (yes, they do exist – Kanye West) or are just peeved that they lost at a game of Fifa, their pissed off look can go by unnoticed and they’re off the hook. They can get away without having their concentration broken by someone they’ve never met before. But your facial expression shouldn’t fall into a double standard trap. Not in this day and age.

That’s the thing with CBF. You could be thinking about a new puppy you’re on your way to pick up, or that funny thing Lucy did at the weekend or even that meme that was just shared in your group Whatsapp. But on the outside, your face just says vengeance.

In my books, that’s totally fine. There are no laws that depict how your face should appear when in a daydream bubble. And it really grinds my gears (making that look of vengeance intentional) when nosey bystanders burst it.