Chronicle 4: Queen Elizabeth II

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When it comes to faces we see on a daily basis, this lady kind of trumps them all – apart from our own reflections of course.

If she’s not in your back-pocket making up the ‘head’ side of your loose change, you’re licking the reverse of her head to send post. We’re ever so familiar with Her Majesty, but we’re not ones to take such an iconic face for granted.

The only time I’m called royal is when I’m being a pain in the arse. Meaning I don’t have any first hand experience with Britain’s most prestigious family. However, when you’re reppin’ the country, handling corgi bills and have to put up with the recent moronic decisions politicians and your public have made – you’ve got to feel the pressure somewhat. Not to mention hearing your grandson has made the news – only fearing it’s for the wrong reasons. Sure Harry’s stint in Vegas was a couple of years ago now. But poor old Lizzie – she remembers it like it was yesterday.

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Let’s not forget, she’s a great-grandmother. You try accepting you’re the glue to the three generations of family beneath you. Of course it’s going to make you feel your years. And quite frankly, with all the forced smiles she’s had to pass on to the world over her reign – her face, more than anyone, deserves some down time. I can’t imagine how sore those cheeks of hers must be.

We salute your neutral expression Ma’am. And we’re well aware that whilst appearing royally peeved off, you’re probably just throwing back to the polo game in the summer of ’92. What a hoot one had. Or just wondering whether Jeffrey is going to put on a spread of quail’s eggs for breakfast tomorrow morning. It’s all relative.

On the contrary she’s got a lot to be smug about. She owns a palace, is the only person in the UK allowed to drive without a license and travel without a passport. Plus, she has a pet Jaguar she keeps at London Zoo. Casual. So when you next see our queenie looking as though little George and Charlotte have just scribbled all over her draft for this year’s Christmas speech, let’s just give her face the benefit of the doubt it so rightfully deserves.

 

Chronicle 3: Kristen Stewart

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For girls of twelve or thirteen, it’s the norm to begin experimenting with facial expressions and mirrors. However when you’ve just starred alongside Jodie Foster in a hit blockbuster, things are a bit different. Kristen Stewart spent those tender ages peeved at the world’s press. How are you meant to teenage the crap out of life when your most awkward years are being documented by the media?

Sure, her big break into the world of A-list was a few years off. But her success in prior roles meant that she was never too far from privacy invasion. And I can’t imagine anyone growing up with a camera in the face is going to be best pleased. So can you really blame Kristen Stewart for falling into CBF’s pissed off gaze?

Her bitter stare into paparazzi’s evil lens just stuck. Like a maths geek and algebra – it’s the things you learn in your pubescent years that are with you through life. Thus, the struggle to smile when your face is in autopilot has become an iconic trait of Kristen Stewart – contrary to what she may be thinking or feeling on the inside.

In a bitter twist of irony, the lass struck global stardom playing Bella – the love interest of a Vampire. Until she ended up becoming one herself. I don’t know many Vampires. But none of them scream cheery. And with Miss Stewart’s demonstration of Chronic Bitch Face, you can almost hear the casting directors shout JACKPOT. It must be part of the job description. And that’s totally cool. I mean they’ve got a lot on their blood-hungry plates. Anyone that has seen the saga will know that for Bella, it was life-changing. So let’s just cut her some slack shall we?

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Who are we to assume she’s pissed off? Because the first rule of Chronic Bitch Face? Don’t jump to conclusions. For all we know she might just be thinking how she actually quite partial to the taste of blood. She may be thrilled about her new casper complexion. Heck, she may even have been LOLLING on the inside at the very moment her and Edward first realised they kinda liked each other as their alter-ego mortal selves too.

R Patz was her boyf. He saw beyond the way the press portrayed her moody demeanour. Yet with a jaw more chiselled than a renaissance sculpture, even he couldn’t shift her facial enigma. But that’s Chronic Bitch Face for you. Sadly, there is no cure.

On the other side of things, let’s not pretend that her face was screaming bitch for no reason. Perhaps he was rubbish in the sack. Perhaps he spoke about blood too much. Or perhaps she was just sick of avoiding garlic. After all, who would put up with that kind of flavour deprivation?

Regardless, since their split she’s still nailing the bitch look. And I applaud her for it. There is no such thing as the smile police. Her face should be able to express whichever mood it likes. Despite whether it holds any truth. Because if we can accept Kristen’s neutrally engaged appearance, then who knows. There’s hope for vampires everywhere.

 

Chronicle 2: Cher Horowitz

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A 90s sufferer of CBF, who’s neutrally engaged sour expression struck her face at the most unexpected moments.  Whether thinking about what to pen for Miss Geist’s next love letter, daydreaming about what to fake-bake Christian or which co-ord she could spare for Tai. She was content with these high school quandaries – yet to any on-looker, it seemed quite the contrary.

Like any teenager, Cher did have some problems that warranted resting bitch face’s embittered glare. I mean, team trying to learn how to drive with working out whether or not you have feelings for your stepbrother – it’s not the kind of stuff grins from ear-to-ear are made from.

But like many other victims of chronic bitch face, Horowitz’s appearance was never given the benefit of the doubt. Did anyone ever stop to think that Cher was just wondering what shade of nail polish Dionne was wearing? Or where Coolio actually went when Rollin’ With His Homies? Working out which mini-skirt your Alaia is going to compliment most is no easy task.

And in those moments of deep concentration, who says that you have to represent a cheshire cat faced with a free buffet? May I remind you there is no rule book that states smiling as being a mandatory requirement of thinking.

The girl had a lot on her plate: trying to ensure your father maintains a healthy cholesterol at the same time as being on a personal report card pursuit? Not to mention being mugged at gun point and having to oblige in your designer jacket touching the grounds of a gas station… You’d think Chronic Bitch Face would cut her some slack. AS IF!

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Growing up in Beverley Hills with wealth handed to you upon vaginal exit, happiness isn’t hard to find. And a face that displays it constantly would be pretty easy to buy. But then hosting a permanent happy face would earn you a completely new title with its own rights. Chronic Creepy Face. Or Resting Psycho face… Think I’d keep the bitch actually. Thanks.

And thus, her moody-not-moody demeanour deserves to be recognised. Because isn’t it obvious – when you have fashion tinder ahead of time, how can you be permanently pissed off?

I’m outie.

Chronicle 1: Mona Lisa

Poor Mona. The Queen of enigma has no idea how relevant her puzzling expression is, to this day.

Is she happy? Or is she pissed off about having to be sat in the same position for hours whilst some dude called Leo toyed around with some oil paints to create an artistic masterpiece? For all we know, she could be overjoyed about being the centre of attention. Or her hamster may have died that very morning. Who knows.

Because here stands one of CBF’s oldest known victims.

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An uncatchable smile, the beginnings of a smirk or the way her face is when neutrally engaged. Chronic Bitch Face had the poor lass hard. Mona Lisa couldn’t contour, take a selfie instead or put a filter on her face. She just had to deal with it.

Just because we can’t tell what she’s really feeling during her downtime of having her portrait taken, it’s made her smile a world-wide phenomenon. And that right there shows the true power of CBF.